


圣诞又至 〔想你〕

by theflyjar



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Canon Universe, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Heartbreak, Loneliness, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Break Up, Rain, Songwriting, Unresolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 01:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13156371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyjar/pseuds/theflyjar
Summary: Yixing's lonely and heartbroken.Yifan is too.





	1. goodbye christmas

**Author's Note:**

> because i'm sad and fanxing both released songs with heartbreak lyrics.

The rain has always helped Yixing, especially in the dark, when he’s writing and trying to channel something from within. He isn’t sure what it is about those heavy downpours that get him but it loosens the locks he has on hidden parts of his heart. He can always feel a slight weight in his chest. It’s been there for a couple of years and those emotions have always been packed in to save Yixing from his own feelings.

But the rain, the rain on _that_ night, did something to him. It unwound the chains, slipped past the figurative dragon curled around the well of love hidden away, and picked open a tiny cut in all his shields. He could almost feel it happen as he sat with a blank document open on his laptop. And the moment those feelings were released, they went to his head and fingers first.

Words drifted out of Yixing’s fingertips as visions played over and over in his head. Of being kissed in dark corners until he couldn’t breathe. Of having someone who protected him with selfless ferocity. Of having someone who loved him when he could barely love himself. The memories start off bright, lined with shades of pink and orange and gold, but then the darkness seeps in. Yellow turns to grey, pink turns to asphalt, orange turns to black. Where someone had been sat, there's an empty seat.

Where someone had been in Yixing's heart, there's a bottomless void.

It's everything that Yixing feels that makes him type out those words and he becomes aware of how stagnant in his feelings he has become. He knows he has been left behind, especially when he feels himself slipping back into old habits.

He looks at old photographs and videos. He scrolls through Weibo and Instagram, private and public alike, and he knows just how much he's been put in the other person's past. He sees happiness and smiles. He sees the joy he had once given someone else encapsulated in front of him but not caused by him.

He unlocks his phone and opens up the list of his message threads. He scrolls down to one near the bottom, in the graveyard of messages he cannot bring himself to delete, and clicks on one.

 _请仍然爱我,_ that's what the thread is called. He types out ten messages, which becomes eleven when the pain finally begins to sting his eyes, and deletes them all.

 

_"Winter's here again and I still miss you."_

_"I went to the park today and thought of you."_

_"I still write songs about you."_

_"Come and kiss me and tell me everything will be okay. Like you used to."_

_"Are you really this okay without me?"_

_"I'll love you from afar for the rest of my life, okay?"_

_"Why am I all alone?"_

_"Of course you'd be okay. You left me. I was never enough for you."_

_"Why am I here and you're not?"_

_"I feel like I'm drowning."_

 

He never sends them.

 

_"Did you even love me at all?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 请仍然爱我 means "please still/continue to love me"


	2. miss you

Yifan does it by accident. He stumbles across a few photos found in a tag he clicked on on Weibo. He didn't mean to look, but he did. He could not help himself. Images of a smaller hand in his, of a body curled into his side, of teasing aimed only at him. And he relives it all in his head, over and over. Cradling an exhausted body, a voice whispering sweetly in his ear, never sleeping alone.

He realises how fast time has moved when he looks to the other side of his bed, rain still tapping on the window, and he sees how alone he really is. He pulls out some lyrics from a few months ago, still struck by how close they cut to his heart. They were written on a different continent and the distance they speak of is still there, even if he may be in the same country, maybe even the same city, as the person who still unknowingly carries his heart. He can barely keep track anymore, they move too much and Yifan can hardly keep up. Especially since they're hurtling through life, no longer hand-in-hand, but moving further and further away from one another.

That's when he sits up and tries to dislodge the feeling that's choking his throat up. Still, his movements are automatic and he can't help himself from drifting across the room. He opens up a suitcase that has a small bag in it. They're small things mainly. Trinkets and bracelets that haven't been worn for years. The other contents are a single outfit; one shirt, one set of jeans, two socks, some underwear, a pair of shoes. He remembers when his mother had brought the bag to him, how she had whispered, "You should give these back to him."

Yifan almost always did as his mother told him to but that was one time he hadn't listened. He couldn't bring himself to admit that things were over and that he couldn't be everything he promised to be. Instead, he brings them out and puts the shows next to his own at the door, drapes the clothes around like they had been sleepily peeled off, and crawls back to his bed. He doesn't realise he's crying until his tears soak the pillow.

He picks his phone back up and writes the lyrics from everything he wishes he could bring himself to say. He hopes the keeper of his heart still loves him. He hopes he hasn't been left in the past.

Impulsively, Yifan writes six messages to the contact named  _请不要离开我._

 

_"I miss you so much, you don't know how much this hurts."_

_"Do you trust me like you used to?"_

_"I hate all this space, I need you close to me again."_

_"I can't get you out of my head."_

_"I'm so sorry that I hurt you, I love you so much."_

_"I'm waiting for you."_

 

He deletes them all.

 

His finger hovers over the send button when he finishes the seventh message.

 

_"You're all I've ever wanted."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 请不要离开我 means "please don't leave me"


End file.
